HOT creative energy in your relationship
Jill Fishman
“The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect, but by the play instinct arising from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the object it loves.”
How often do we apply creativity to our long-term committed relationships? For many people this is a major task along the lines of riding a bike backwards on the highway while blindfolded. Yeah…
As a couple’s counselor one of the first questions I ask my clients is, “When was the last time just the two of you had fun?” There’s usually an awkward pause, they look at each other with huge question marks over their heads and excitedly come up with an answer like, “We went to dinner together the other night,” or “We saw that new George Clooney movie.”
OKAY?
Do you know why most people end their relationships? No, not infidelity…boredom! Infidelity is often a symptom of boredom in the relationship. So seriously consider this question and think about it for yourself.
How often do you apply creativity to your long-term committed relationship?
1-START
One of the ways couples remain intimately connected is by truly focusing on what is important to “the relationship” NOT themselves or other commitments. Couples should consider:
· What sparked our attraction to each other?
· What is keeping the fire lit?
In the beginning of a relationship, couples start out with lots of playfulness, novelty, creativity, and mystery. If you have ever watched the television series, The Bachelor or The Bachelorette you can relate to the intrigue of watching the shows with all the captivating arranged dates in beautiful, exotic locations. The production team creatively contrives these scenarios in order for the contestants to fall in love with each other. I mean, really, how could you not fall passionately in love while immersed in some of those romantic situations unless, of course, you are just not a compatible fit for each other. This is ideally how they weed out the contestants.
Now, back to reality. Typically after the romance phase of a relationship comes the reality of facing every-day situations that impact the relationship: kids, extended families, friends, and work. Once the couple expands to a family, the passionate energy that was originally the binding force of the couple often gets redirected onto the child/children. According to years of research surveyed by Johnson (2016) for his book, Great Myths of Intimate Relationships: Dating, Sex and Marriage; he found that marital satisfaction plummets after the first child. Some of the influences are: having less time, less money, less intimacy, and less touch for the partner. The children don’t kill the spark; the couples just fail to keep it alive.
2- DISCOVER
So, how do you find creative ways to connect back with your partner when you’re both so distracted?
I’m not suggesting that you plan exotic trips or dine out at expensive restaurants. What I am suggesting is that you tap back into the creative energy you used in the beginning of the relationship and reenergize or reinvent new activities that you both enjoy doing alone without children, friends, extended family and oh yes, work too.
For example:
· picnics
· water activities: canoeing, kayaking, sailing
· running/walking a 5K, 10K
· hiking
· rock-climbing
· concerts/theatre
· Whatever you did in the initial phase of your relationship that was fun!
3-UNDERSTAND
Let’s look at it from a biological perspective. Excitement and bonding, as we often refer to as “LOVE”, in a relationship creates neurons in the brain that fire feel-good hormones called dopamine, which in turn release excitement chemicals called adrenaline, epinephrine and norepinephrine. If all goes well, a neuropeptide, oxytocin, kicks in to secure an attachment bond. While this neuropeptide sticks around with us longer than the excitement chemicals it is essential to continuously fire those back up over time to increase the feelings of being “in love” and securing that attachment bond.
Have you ever heard someone refer to his or her partner and say, “I love him/her but I’m just not ‘in love’ with him/her?”
It takes thoughtful, CREATIVE energy people!
There is no easy fix and no magic pill that will replace and sustain the effects of true relational love on the brain. And guess what? Creative energy also has a huge effect on sexual satisfaction. Perel (2006), dives into this interesting topic in her book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence.
4-DO IT
- Think about your own relationship with your significant other.
- What were some of the creative things you did together to ignite an interesting and memorable bond in the beginning of the relationship?
- Have you managed to keep that energy up over the years?
- Have you continued to introduce new and exciting adventures to explore?
You’ve invested a lot in this relationship; now take the time to talk about it with your partner and together come up with some creative energy to fire up the brain and that essential “feel-good” chemistry so vital to the health of your relationship.
“Love is like the wind, you can’t see it but you can feel it.”
Jill Fishman M.A., Marriage and Family Therapist Intern at Carter and Evans, MFT, LLC